Life has become so boring again. Back to the old frustration and hopelessness. To add, my application for leave got declined by manager saying there are many deployments aligned for that week. Well, today by all means was such a bad day, and the climax was the sound that came out of the tap, instead of water. Lately, I’ve started breaking in front of people close to me for no reason, or for smaller reasons, which I thought I had gotten rid of long back. I’m sorry for coming here every time I want to vent out my frustration and rant away things that doesn’t make sense. But I find my peace here. Well, to be honest I’m not sure if going home would make it any better. But the plus part is, I can fight with mom and dad, or a punch fight with brother, or just cry for no reason. They’ve been through all these enough that they won’t mind. I’ll just be the rebel daughter I always was. I wish I could go back to the times they called me their son with a smile on their face. They’re still happy for me, proud of me; I know. But the people. They won’t let my family live in peace. The same old questions, the same old fake concern. I wish they could avoid them. May be going home is still the best idea. But there seems to be a lot of problems. Shifting to new place, going home, work, and the exam.. everything within a week gonna make me break all my control more than once for sure. What do I need to avoid that? I need to run. That’s what I always do. I run away from everything. I’ve been running away from life for many years. Kept myself away from family, locked myself up when I finally came back… Sometimes I feel so helpless at myself. I pity myself. Why did I let things happen? Why did I break? I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m done running and I can’t do this anymore. Then again, I end up the same way, having no choice but run.
Finally the water has come, I could change to the comfy pyjamas and now I’m up here on the terrace. There are noises I’m not sure about the source, and the chilly wind, some devotional song playing from somewhere far, and the laughter from rooms down. Sitting here makes me feel better. It boosts me up. It’s been days I have had a good sleep. Something somewhere is wrong. Gotta correct it. What I need is a push. The last time I had an adrenaline rush was a couple of days ago when I was going up the stairs and suddenly dog came down and I got scared. I mean, such a lame thing! The push I need is the kind, where you are on a cliff, all you can see down is infinity. You don’t know where it goes, you don’t know what would happen.. and then a sudden push from the back! I need to feel the pumping in my stomach! The excitement! The fear! The anxiety! All I feel these days is numbness. I need motivation to the extent that I have no choice but get up and start working on the things on my wish list.
Well, I’m not asking any of you to do anything for that. I’m just ranting away that I feel better. I think I should first go home. If not the others, my munchkins are missing me so much. And my brothers would be dying to tell me for the umpteenth time how I was found near the canal when I was a baby. That story still works, you know. I get pissed at them. Sad that I don’t have much things to share cuz my reading has gone too low lately. I might get new book suggestions or books itself though. Okay. I’ll just sleep now, if I get any. Goodnight.
~Freshly ranted. The featured image of the Chai cup during an evening break at office. Well, people take up smoking and drinking alcohol during their corporate-job-life where I took up drinking chai. I still don’t like it, nor do I drink it everyday, but the coffee we get here are not as strong as the ones I make, so.. I know I’ve been posting disappointing stuff a lot lately, I hope I’ll be back. Ignore the negative me till then. 🙂 ~